To prepare for this 30-day journaling challenge, I flipped through my old journals and diaries for inspiration. I came across the following entry from April 2020, the very beginning of the pandemic and subsequent quarantine.
I want to share this entry about learning to be alone and check back in with myself to see if it still rings true. Does present me still feel like past me? Have I grown? Do I agree with myself? Let’s find out!
April 30, 2020
My Momma always told me to never marry someone who I haven’t lived with for at least a year. She said you never truly know someone til you live with them, til you see their habits, their triggers, and their true selves up close and personal (you don’t want to wait til it’s too late to find out they don’t put the cap back on the toothpaste!).
I think she’s right. I’ve grown closer to and drifted apart from good friends after sharing space. My lifelong best friend and I even agreed a long time ago that we would never be roommates in an effort to keep our friendship intact. Living with someone changes the way that you see them, changes the way you interpret their actions, can lead to a deeper understanding or an irreversible dislike.
At the time I write this, my state is still under government mandated stay-at-home orders to contain COVID-19. Incidentally, the onslaught of the coronavirus coincided with my decision to move into my first solo apartment. But I’m realizing today that I’m not exactly living alone.
I’m living with myself.
I’m learning about who I am and how I behave when no one is watching. When I have more space to myself, am I boldly taking it up or am I still confined to my room? Am I making good use of my time? Am I taking bold decor risks or am I playing it safe? Am I cleaner and therefore healthier, or am I a mess? Am I happier? Am I lonely? Am I good company?
I think the whole world is learning how to live with themselves right now whether they’re solo dolo like me or if they’re surrounded by quarantine buddies. With little left by way of entertainment to distract us, we have more time and opportunities to discover ourselves. Am I organized? Am I disheveled and easily overwhelmed? Am I kinder, more patient? Am I depressed and anxious?
Am I what I expected myself to be? Can I live with myself?
I recently saw something on Instagram (a place where I’m always either annoyed or inspired) about the key to happiness. It read:
“One day, you will understand that happiness was always about learning to live with yourself, that happiness is never in the hands of others. It was always about you.” (@moonomens)
If I interpret this correctly, it means happiness starts with the self.
I hope I come out of quarantine being the self I always wanted to be.
CURRENT THOUGHTS:
I still think living together is the best way to get to know someone.
I appreciated how past me used “stay-at-home orders” instead of “lockdown,” the way most people referred to quarantine at the time. I always hated that phrase, we weren’t on lockdown, most of us weren’t imprisoned and those who were in actual lockdown were having a way harder time with Covid than the rest of us watching Netflix and being bored.
Past me will be disappointed but not surprised to know that I am still very messy 🤷🏾♀️
Did I come out of quarantine as “the self I always wanted to be?” Well, yes and no. Because in the today of things, I worry a little bit less about improving myself and I give myself more grace to simply live. So I guess I did in a way learn to live with myself as I am, not as I wish to be.
This entry was written under the prompt LIFE, Day 3 of the Finding the Right Words 30-Day Journaling Challenge. Follow along, see the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompt. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at joliedoggett [at] substack.com.
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!