What if I am doing enough?
I asked myself this while I was going for a morning walk. At the time, I was stressing about whether I was being sufficiently present for a friend of mine in crisis. The Christmas season and an unexpected illness had kept me from being able to connect in person and I was (over)thinking about whether I was doing enough to be supportive over the holidays. Should I have called more? Should I have gotten a present even though I didn’t have enough money in my budget this year? Should I apologize for being busy?
And then a still, small voice interrupted my spiral and said: “What if I am doing enough? What if there’s nothing more to do? What if you don’t have to prove your worth?”
This sudden counter argument came as quite a surprise. I never feel like I’m doing enough. A major motivator in being a people pleaser (in recovery!) is the perpetual, pervasive thought that one should always be doing more, trying harder. In all my relationships, I agonize over whether I’m doing enough, whether I’m showing enough affection in my romances or loyalty in my friendships or devotion to my family. Am I doing enough to deserve being loved is a normal thought process of mine.
Outside of pleasing people, I am an overachiever in most things. Highly competitive, know-it-all, academic whiz. I need to be the best. Failure and rejection are simply invitations to try harder.
And if you’re reading this at the start of the new year and you’re feeling the pressures to keep up with resolutions or to resume productivity at work after the slow, lame duck holiday season, you may also be struggling with the same infernal internal thoughts of needing to do more, needing to try harder, not doing enough.
But again, I ask what if… I am doing enough?
What if I don’t need to prove to people how much I care or how much I can do for them? What if I don’t have to earn love and affection by kowtowing to people’s desires for me? What if I don’t have to go above and beyond at work in order to show I’m worth my salary?
This year, I'm going to try adopting a new mindset to counter my nagging obsession with the question in my head. When I feel compelled to do more, I’m going to ask myself: What if I am doing enough? What if I truly did try everything? What if I've already given it my all? What if it's enough?
And what then? If I decide to stop putting so much effort into futile tasks, what happens next?
I used to think walking away or stopping trying was giving up and giving up is loser activity. Mama didn’t raise no quitter, you know? But maybe it’s not giving up, it’s giving myself a chance. A chance to do something different. A chance to relax. A chance to rest in my inherent worthiness.
This entry was written for WEEK 1 of the Finding the Right Words January Challenge under the theme of What if…?💭. Follow along using the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompts. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at jdoggett9 [at] gmail.
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!
Woo! I felt this deep in my spirit!