Get a Life, Jolie Brown.

Finding the Right Words Day #2: STOP

Today’s journal entry + some art by Rayo & Honey

Wow! Day 2 and I already wanna stop, haha! I won’t, though. 

I wanted this writing challenge to go perfectly. Not only because anxiety and perfectionism go hand-in-hand, but also because journaling is truly my favorite thing to do and I wanted to show I could do it well. Plus, journaling is one of the best mental wellness tools. 

I’m someone who prides herself on doing “the work.” Meaning, the work to improve myself. I love therapy, I’m my therapist’s favorite patient (although I’m not sure if that’s a good thing now that I think about it…🤔). I’m an avid journaler (obviously). I’m constantly thinking about how to be a better, more healed human being. I listen to podcasts about psychology and being my “highest self.” I go to church and I only follow those Instagram accounts that give you the little daily motivation quotes. I read self-help books, I meditate, I’m learning about chakras and tarot and ayurveda. I’m the friend most likely to ask you, “How does that make you feel?” 

But sometimes, the work is a lot of well,…work! And it doesn’t make me feel good. In fact (surprise!) constantly working on myself sometimes makes me feel bad.

All work and no play makes life suck. Don’t wait til you get “healed” to be happy.

I learned in therapy that a big source of my depression is shame and guilt. I feel guilty for not being productive, for not doing “the work,” and ashamed for not being my most evolved, perfect self. I always thought the opposite of “shame” was "pride" or "success," so, I attempted to do things that would make me proud of myself (or would make others proud of me, honestly). I would actually try to work harder to get out of my mental slumps: More podcasts, more books, more journaling, more healing. 

But of course, when you're depressed, working on anything is impossible, even working on yourself. Sometimes, I don't even have the energy to wash my own ass. And the failure to get stuff done and the failure to heal myself only made me feel more ashamed. And that of course made me more depressed.

Some of the best advice I received this year during my down days was to "spend less time trying to understand my childhood trauma’s and more time doing the things that actually make me happy." 

Now, I think the most annoying, unhelpful, condescending thing someone can say to someone with depression is “Have you tried just being happy?" No shit. But constantly focusing on my depression and trying to solve it was actually hurting me. And my friend could see it. He spent a lot of time with me during my lowest days and while he saw me doing all the “right” things to feel better, he didn’t see me doing things that actually made me feel better. 

In fact, I was avoiding the things that actually put a smile on my face, because I felt I didn’t deserve to do them if I wasn’t doing the more “important” work of healing all the things that are wrong with me and my brain.

After getting this advice, I realized that getting out of my depression doesn’t require me to work harder to fix me, it's about working harder to be me. Doing things I love doing just because I love doing them. Going to twerk classes. Reading horror books. Watching The Golden Girls. Traveling to see my friends. Going to my favorite restaurants. Chasing my joy. And my joy has nothing to do with success or healing. It's about ME!. It's about what I like and what I want and what makes me happy and what gives me energy to face the day. 

All work and no play makes life suck. Also, it’s kind of draining and disheartening to always be trying to fix yourself. Don’t wait til you get “healed” to be happy. Stop trying to live a perfect life and just live your life.

I have to stop trying to work my way out of being sad and just have fun! It doesn’t have to make sense, it doesn’t have to be productive. Taking care of yourself gives you the energy to keep going. It refills your cup, so that, eventually and intermittently, you can get back doing the work. Joy really does become an act of resistance.

So I’m going to try not to let this writing challenge fall too deep into the “work” category. I’m going to try to remember to write not because it’s productive, not because people are counting on me, not because it’s healing. But because it’s fun and the more I fill my life with joy, the less room there is for gloom.

(FYI, the headline is a play on the title of one of my favorite books, “Get a Life, Chloe Brown” by Talia Hibbert. It’s about a girl with chronic illness who makes a plan–and a list–to experience new, exciting things)

This entry was written under the prompt STOP, Day 2 of the Finding the Right Words 30-Day Journaling Challenge. Follow along, see the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompt. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at joliedoggett [at] substack.com. 

There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!