Give It Up, Turn It Loose
Finding the Right Words CHANGE Challenge: Week 4
PROMPT: What’s something you used to be afraid of that you’re not afraid of anymore? What changed?
This was the year I learned I could live without it. “It” being many things.
In January, I DNFed a book.
“DNF,” for you non-nerds out there means “did not finish.” As someone who prides herself on being an avid reader and also on her achievement, not finishing a book has always felt blasphemous to me. Books are meant to be finished, even if it’s a slog, you suffer through. But this year, I really thought to myself, “Why? Why should I keep doing something I don’t enjoy? Why should I feel obligated to do this inanimate object? Why waste my time on something that made an activity I love feel bad?” And I put down a book that I didn’t like and picked up a book I ended up loving. I learned I do not have to suffer, I can make different choices.
In February, I soft quit my job. By March, I real quit.
Big jump from quitting a book to quitting a job, haha! But it wasn’t a flippant choice. I learned my mental and emotional wellbeing was more important than a paycheck or prestige from a job title or a role with responsibilities and expectations that I wasn’t really that well-suited toward. I learned to brace myself and be brave. I learned to take a chance on me.
In April, a lifelong friend broke up with me.
This was not something I could prepare for because it wasn’t a decision I made, but it was a decision I had to live with and that required some follow up decisions from me: A decision to forgive myself for the role I played in the friendship ending so I didn’t drown in guilt. A decision to forgive them for the hurt and harm they’d caused me. A decision to change my behavior going forward so I could develop stronger friendships. I learned that letting things go is not always easy. I learned I could survive heartbreak and grief. I learned I could live through the unexpected.
Around May, my dream home flooded and was inhabitable for several weeks..
My home is really important to me. I worked really hard to cultivate a space that felt safe and peaceful for me after years of spending my childhood and much of my early 20s with a lot of housing insecurity. So to have my safe space be a place where I could not be made me feel really uncomfortable and out of control. But in the chaos I learned the valuable lesson to not place too much value into things, because things come and go.
By June, I was leading a writing workshop all about the art of quitting, the art of leaving things behind.
By that point, I’d become an expert on letting shit go. As a group at a summer camp, we discussed why we leave things behind, what stops us from moving on, and how to feel more empowered to make decisions that are good for our overall well-being.
I'm not saying letting things go is easy. In fact, that's the hard part, the walking away. That's the part I still struggle with, taking the first step. Doing something different is scary. However I'm no longer afraid of the second step, the healing, the doing something new, the grieving and forgiving. This is also not very easy, but it becomes less scary.
I am learning that I am resilient. I’ve made it through hard times before, I can do it again. I am learning that I can do hard things. I don’t have to be afraid of the hard thing. I don’t have to hold on to anything that harms me out of obligation, loyalty, sunk cost. Im learning to believe that I can have what I want and nothing that I don't (and nothing that doesn't want me)
I won’t say I’m completely unafraid of walking away. Fear of abandonment is a classic symptom of Complex PTSD. And there are certainly some things I’m still afraid of losing or leaving. But I’m learning to feel the fear and do it anyway. There may be something very good waiting on the other side.
This entry was written for WEEK 4 of the Finding the Right Words October Challenge under the theme of CHANGE. Follow along using the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompt. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at jdoggett9 [at] gmail.
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!