I was talking with my sister the other day about our aunt. This aunt and I no longer have a relationship because she did great harm to me physically and emotionally (and maybe even psychologically if you ask my therapist). I haven’t spoken to her in over a decade and don’t plan to ever again. I told my sister that I forgive our aunt, but I don’t desire to speak to or about her anymore.
Do I truly forgive that lady? Is it really forgiveness if you can’t get back to the relationship you had before, if you can’t start over?
I’m thinking about the times I’ve been the most angry and who I was angry at. I think about my high school boyfriend who put me through hell, who I loved for 10 years and who thought I would love my whole life long. We don’t speak anymore and I barely think about him now. Have I forgiven him for all the heartbreak and drama? I think so.
I think about a supervisor at a previous job who was condescending and manipulative and used me beyond the normal parameters of my position. Do I forgive him for the toxic work environment I endured? Yeah. I don’t think about him much either, honestly. But we definitely don’t work together anymore and hopefully won’t ever again.
I think about arguments I’ve gotten into with my mom or my father or my aforementioned sister. The topics we fought about rarely come up in conversation now. I still love them, I still talk to them and spend time with them. Have I forgiven them for the ways they’ve hurt me? Again, I think so!
Maybe true forgiveness isn’t about moving forward, it’s about moving on. Getting on with your life with or without the people or places that need forgiving in your life from here on out. And if those things that need forgiveness are going to stay in your life, you’re not staying attached to the way those things hurt you. You’re moving on, away from the hurt. You’re not dragging the harm and resentment forward into the next chapter of your life or your relationships.
People like to say that forgiveness is more about you than the other person. You forgive so you can free yourself from emotions that may attach you to a person or to a past that no longer exists. There are plenty of people and institutions I have not forgiven. My feelings of anger or sadness still live within me and still inform my present-day emotions. And I’m not sure if that’s a bad thing. Maybe some things don’t need to be forgiven. Maybe it’s useful for my survival to hold on to the memories of how I was harmed to make sure I’m never harmed again in the same way.
If I let someone else (or worse, the same person!) hurt me in the same ways I’ve been hurt before, can I forgive myself?
This entry was written under the prompt CHANGE, Day 22 of the Finding the Right Words 30-Day Journaling Challenge. Follow along using the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompt. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at joliedoggett [at] substack.com.
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!
I agree, forgiveness isn't absolution. For me, similar to what you said, it's not needing to hold on to those feelings anymore. And I still think the body remembers that pain and trauma, so it might still respond in that way...always a healing process!