I think about my body… a lot.
In the time it takes for me to wake up, get out of bed, and walk ten steps to the bathroom, I’ve probably already had 28 disparaging thoughts about my body from the way my hair looks down to my ankles feeling weird (whatever that means but I truly think about it).
Most of my life, throughout most of my days, I am thinking about my body. How fat I feel. How heavy I must be. What’s aching today? How my hair looks. How big my boobs are. How big my stomach is. Whether my butt is big enough. What do my teeth look like? Is my skin glowy? Sweaty? Wrinkly? Do I smell okay? Are my eyes being weird? Is my outfit cute?
Against my will and common sense, I am comparing myself to other people throughout the day whether I see them on the street or on Instagram. I spend more time chastising myself in the mirror than I do praising myself (although I am getting better at talking to myself with kindness).
Don’t get me wrong, I think I’m cute 😉Beautiful, in fact! I actually like my body, my hair, my face, and my outfits on most days. But thoughts of what I look like, obsessions with making sure I look cute, and assumptions about what other people think I look like definitely take over my mind. As I’ve gotten older, my body has gone through a lot of changes and I’d be lying if I said I never once wished I looked different.
But you know what? There is only one time in my day when I am 100 percent not thinking about what I look like. And that’s when I’m dancing. Pole dancing to be specific.
There are too many other things to think about.
Like safety, for one, haha! Like not falling on my ass (or head). Like trying to make it to the top of the pole. Like how strong I’m getting. Like, “I can’t believe I just did that.” Like, “I want to try that again.” Like, “Is that going to leave a bruise?”
Like how proud I am of myself. For showing up, for trying hard, and doing something just for me.
I’m marveling at all the things this body can do.
I experience complete body neutrality when I pole dance. Which is actually kind of surprising to me since that’s when I’m the most naked and the most exposed! The only person I’m comparing myself to when I’m on the pole is the person I was the last time I stepped into the studio. The only thing I’m thinking about is perfecting the skills I’m constantly learning. Sure, I get frustrated, I get scared, I get discouraged. But I don’t get self conscious. I don’t hate any part of myself. In fact, I’m marveling at all the parts of me and all the things this body can do.
My pole journey has taught me a lot about myself. On the pole, I’ve learned to be patient. I’ve gotten stronger, mentally and physically. I’ve learned to appreciate the journey and to stop being such a know-it-all and be okay with being a beginner. Most importantly, I’ve developed confidence. Not in what my body looks like, but in what my body can do.
The same body that I complain about can spin, climb, go upside down, drop, hold on, do splits, and gravity-defying tricks. This body is stronger than it looks and it does important things. Pole reminds me that I need this body and that this body is special. Pole also reminds me that I’m more than a body. I’m creative, I’m funny, I’m kind, I’m a good friend, I’m emotional, I’m brave. All things I experience in the studio and want to pay more attention to when I’m in the world.
I am a whole ass person. I am so much more than my body. And my body is so much more than a skin bag to complain about. My body takes care of me, moves me around with ease (and the occasional joint pain), and does amazing things. I might never be fully body positive. But the same body neutrality I experience in the pole studio I can adopt every day. I can either spend my time thinking about all I want to change about myself. Or I can stand in awe of how strong, creative, smart, and determined I am. And how all those things combine to make me whole.
My body will go through changes and fluctuations until the day I die. In the meantime, I hope I can spend more time being grateful for this body than I do feeling grumpy about it.
This journal entry was written for Week 4 of the Finding The Right Words July journaling challenge with the theme HAPPY. HEALTHY. HEALING. WHOLE. Subscribe for new journal entries, writing prompts, and journaling challenges.
There’s no wrong way to journal, you just gotta find the right words. Happy writing!
Felt this!! I'm so glad you found something that helps you to feel liberated, more confident, and both physically and mentally stronger. Proud of you!
I admire your vulnerability in sharing your body image journey! Love the journal prompts! Will add to my list for August. Thanks for sharing 💜