I Don't Have All the Answers
Finding the Right Words Day #12: BRAVE
I'm facing a bit of a conundrum.
This morning, I had a… let's say tense conversation with the customer service people at a local business. I'd been waiting for something for over 4 weeks that I'd been told I'd receive within a 2-day time span. After weeks of them dodging my phone calls, I finally had to pull up to the storefront and have a little loud chat with the business manager.
Getting what I needed from that business came pretty easily for me. It usually does. I don't have a hard time speaking up when I feel like I’ve been wronged by a system or corporation, even by an authority figure like a boss or teacher. I have no problem asserting myself, no qualms or embarrassment or hesitation in naming my expectations and either going off or getting out when those expectations are not met. And if someone I know needs something? Fuhgetaboutit. I will make damn sure they get it, no matter how many tense conversations I need to have. I am that friend that will make sure you get the food you ordered at the restaurant or it’s going back.
But here is where my conundrum comes in. When it comes to speaking up for my needs to a partner, a parent, or even a best friend, I shut down. Silent as a clam. You'd think I had no needs at all! Why is that? Why is it easier for me to speak up to strangers or speak up on behalf of my loved ones than it is to speak up for just myself?
I want to get back the same respect I give others, I want to be brave enough to demand it.
I don’t have the answers. Is it because my boundaries are weaker with the people closest to me? Please believe, I’m not in the habit of just being mean and ornery to customer service representatives on the fly. I know they don’t own the businesses they work for. But when I feel like I’ve been disrespected or that my time (and by extension, my hard-earned money) is being wasted, anyone can catch these strays. But lemme tell you, I’ll let a nigga I’m fucking disrespect me and waste my time and money all day, hahahaha(help).
Is it because the consequences of telling people what I like and don’t like, want and don’t want are more tangible with people I’m close with than with nameless corporations and businesses? I don’t care what strangers think of me. But I care way too much about what my friends and my momma and my man think of me. And I only want them to think of me in the best ways. I’ve said it before: I’m a recovering people pleaser. I strongly desired to be liked and once that like is established, I don’t want to lose it.
Is it because I have higher expectations of the authority figures in my life than I do of my loved ones? If my manager isn’t doing what they’re supposed to do to ensure a positive and productive work environment, I’ma say something. But if my relationship isn’t feeling positive or productive, I’d surprise myself if I say anything.
Again, I don’t have the answers and I honestly don’t know if it’s always necessary to know why I think, feel, and behave a certain way. Understanding the roots of our behavior (it’s usually childhood trauma) is important work but it’s not the only work. I don’t fully understand my why but I do know my what, as in what I want. I want to be braver. I want to be able to speak up for my needs without exception. I want to worry less about what people—any people—think about what I want and how I want it. I want to get back the same respect I give others, I want to be brave enough to demand it.
This entry was written under the prompt BRAVE, Day 12 of the Finding the Right Words 30-Day Journaling Challenge. Follow along using the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompt. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at joliedoggett [at] substack.com.
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!