I Don't Have to Be Perfect to Be Loved.
The right people treat you right. 💜 | 10-Day Affirmation Challenge Day #6
*TRIGGER WARNING*: mention of suicidal ideation and self harm. Reader discretion advised. Also, I’m fine! Love y’all! Take care of yourselves.
I don’t be telling my friends when I’m going through something. In fact, I don’t tell anybody, not my partner, not my mom, not even you wonderful people reading this, not really.Â
I’ll happily share my testimony when I have one, I’ll talk about a situation or problem I once faced and how I overcame. I have no problem talking about struggles after the struggle is over. But while I’m going through it? While I’m crying and having s*icidal thoughts or thinking there’s no way I can survive something… I’m chill. To the outside world, everything is fine, everything’s groovy. The only sign something is going on with me is that I may be more quiet because I’m certainly not talking about my life with anyone.
A friend of mine pointed out to me that I’m more vulnerable than I am transparent. I don’t deny having lived a tough life or having had heartbreaks or hard times. But I don’t share about my bad days while I’m living them. I’m not open, I’m not transparent while I need help. And I think that’s because I don’t want people to know that I may need help.Â
Being completely open with someone and being completely rejected is some of the worst pain imaginable. And it really shuts you off from wanting to connect in a meaningful way with anyone ever again. I’ve experienced this many times in life and the effect is that I’m not very vulnerable or transparent with people IRL. Why would I express my needs if I don’t think others will meet them? Why would I express myself if in the past, others didn’t like me as I showed up? It’s easier to just keep things to myself and focus on treating others the way I want to be treated.Â
But, as my therapist likes to remind me, the right people will treat you right. And I won’t know who the right people are until I give them a chance to be there for me. All of me.
I am a try-hard friend and lover and daughter. I fear that if I don’t show up a certain way they won’t like me, they won’t want me in their lives, they won’t appreciate me, or they will be disappointed. And I’ll be alone and feeling guilty. And I fear that if I am vulnerable, I will be hurt or let down. And then I’ll be alone and feeling ashamed.Â
I don’t want to love people out of fear anymore. I wanna love people because we have fun together, because we grow together, because we support each other, because we believe in each other. I wanna love people because they love me. I want to believe that.
In doing these affirmations, I think I’ve embarked on a journey of slowly peeling back my people pleasing layers and accepting that I don’t have to be perfect in order to be in community with others. I’m allowed to have flaws and troubles and issues and an attitude. I’m allowed to show up as my full self. And my full self is deserving of love.
This journal entry was written for DAY 6 of the Finding the Right Words September Affirmation Challenge. Follow Finding The Right Words on Instagram for more prompts and affirmations. Write your own journal entry and share it with me!
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!