I Got This!

Remembering who I am. | Finding the Right Words About… The Wait.

a thug in need of a hug.

PROMPT: How do you stay motivated to wait?

I received another job rejection this week. The latest of many (I stopped keeping count) during two consecutive years of looking for work since leaving my last full-time gig for extenuating circumstances.

I was going to write about dealing with disappointment and doubt while in this particular waiting season of mine where I’m waiting to hear back from jobs that give me nothing but silence, and I’m waiting for my savings to run dry, and I’m waiting for things to finally turn around. I was going to write out some affirmations I tell myself, things I want to remember while waiting, and I still might. This series is a month long, after all. 

But I find myself not wanting to sulk in my misery for once. Instead, I’m … excited?

It’s so easy when faced with back-to-back rejection or when toughing it out through a silent season where things aren’t going according to plan to succumb to the ever-present voice of self doubt. That voice in the back of your head that tells you that you’re not good enough, you never were. You’re not wanted, you don’t matter. 

I had a moment today, just as I was about to dive headfirst into a pool of self-pity, where I remembered that I’ve been here before. I’ve been scared, I’ve been rejected. I’ve waited for a breakthrough, I’ve battled against my own negativity. 

And I won. I came out of the other side changed for the better. I came out the other side with more than what I went in with, more than I ever expected. And I have that expectancy now, that things will change. And I know things will change because I know who I am. Despite what my brain might try to tell me, I know what I’ve done and I know what I can do. I know what value I have, I know I’m more than enough. I know I matter. I know I can win again. And knowledge of everything I am and everything that’s ever happened to me fills me with excited, expectant anticipation that keeps me going, keeps me trying, keeps me creating, keeps me believing while I wait.

In church this week, we discussed the significance of the phrase “even now.” It was spoken by Mary Magdalene to Jesus, when He showed up after their brother Lazarus had died. Mary and Martha expressed their disappointment, because they believed that had Jesus shown up earlier when they initially called Him, Lazarus would still be alive. But Mary said “even now,” even despite her sorrow and disappointment, she still believed Jesus could help them.

And if you’re familiar with the story, you know that Jesus does perform a miracle of raising Lazarus from the dead and everyone is happy. Mary knew that Jesus was going to perform a miracle, because she’d seen Him do it before. So even though she had to wait a while for him to get there, even though she already suffered an unimaginable loss, even though she may have even been pissed off, she still believed that something good was coming.

I want to have a stronger “even now” faith in God and in myself. I want to believe that even while I struggle and even while I doubt, that my story has a happy ending and I want to see what that end’s gonna be.

Even now, even after all the rejection, the trying and failing, the self-doubt and comparison, I still believe that good things will come. I am motivated to wait by my belief in my God, my belief in my community that holds me up, and my belief in myself. I believe that good things can happen for me because good things have happened for me before. I believe that if I’ve made it before, I can make it again.

I am motivated to wait by my belief that there is another side worth waiting for

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This entry was written for week 1 of the Finding The Right Words October Journaling Challenge under the theme of Waiting. Follow along using the prompts above .Write your own journal entry and share it with me!

There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!

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