I’m Not Listening to My Inner Child Anymore

Finding the Right Words Day #22: CHANGE

Little Jolie. Age 4.

I don’t think my younger self would like me very much. 

Little Jolie was an overachiever. She made straight As, she was super obedient to her parents and other authority figures. I grew up knowing what I wanted to do with my life since I was 12. I grew up with a clear vision of what it meant to be successful: a college degree, a good job, nice house, nice car, paying bills for my momma and grandma, lots of money in a big office with a fancy title. 

And I followed Little Jolie’s dreams for most of my life. I got accepted into the prestigious University of Maryland, College Park when I was 16 years old. By 19, I was a full-time undergraduate student preparing for graduation while working a part-time job, an unpaid internship, and having too many damn extracurricular activities (I was VP of the Association of Black Journalists, VP of campus ministries, VP of the Southern Christian Leadership Conference, and I’d competed and placed in two beauty pageants, for God’s sake!). I graduated with a 3.0 GPA and would eventually move to New York to pursue my dream job at a major magazine. I’d go on to have a stellar career working at lots of big name companies and make lots of money. I’d drive a nice car, live in a nice house, pay bills for a lot of people in my family, everything Little Jolie imagined.

Seven months ago, I quit my job at Netflix, where I was making the most money than anyone in my family had ever made. Everyone was so impressed that I had a job at such a huge company with a six-figure paycheck. Everyone praised my ambition at building a career from blogging to editing at one of the biggest media companies in the world. But I left the money, the job, the accolades behind.

Now I’m kind of chillin’, just doing my own thing. I’m not struggling financially (yet lol), I have plenty to do but I spend most of my time doing things for fun like dance classes and cooking and exercising and hanging with my friends. I’m pretty much at peace. But part of me is still feeling anxious and ashamed. Part of me still feels like I’m not doing enough, like I should be doing more. I think that part of me is my inner child, my younger self. It’s Little Jolie looking at her future and not understanding how all of her big dreams and hard work led her to just “chillin’.”

But that’s the thing, I have worked really hard my whole life, like I had a whole generation’s hopes to carry on my back. I spent my whole life pushing forward toward a dream that I’d had since I was 12 years old. I made a lot of decisions in my life based on what Little Jolie would want. But I’m grown now. My needs and desires and definition of success have changed. My inner child doesn’t know every damn thing, she’s a child for crying out loud! It’s time to stop listening to my younger self and learn what Grown Jolie needs.

At this moment in time, Grown Jolie is healing her past so she can look forward to the future. My vision is not as clear as it was when I was 12 years old but that’s okay. Little Jolie had no choice but to succeed, she had no safety net. But Grown Jolie is her own safety net. Grown Jolie can take care of herself in ways Little Jolie couldn’t. And Grown Jolie is doing things for herself that Little Jolie prioritized doing for others.

So maybe my younger self would not be so impressed with her life at 32. That’s okay. I’m too grown to care what a 12-year-old thinks of me, haha! However, I hope Little Jolie knows that I’m still taking care of her. She focused on her work. But I’m focused on our life. We’ll get back to the grind eventually, we already know we can do that and do it well. Right now, it’s time to dream a little differently.

This entry was written under the prompt CHANGE, Day 22 of the Finding the Right Words 30-Day Journaling Challenge. Follow along using the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompt. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at joliedoggett [at] substack.com. 

There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!