I’ve been getting back into sitcoms. I don’t normally watch a lot of TV and when I do, I’m usually just binge-ing a cartoon I already know I love (holla at me Avatar The Last Airbender and Steven Universe fans!). But I started watching some classic scripted situational comedies and really found some peace in the predictable TV formula: character introduction, kooky conflict, neat resolution all on the backdrop of silly humor performed in front of a live studio audience. No matter what series you’re watching, the quirky main character will either inadvertently cause or become haphazardly involved in some issue usually involving another character. And, after some shenanigans and misunderstandings, everything is resolved after a simple conversation and it’s never brought up again, we’re on to another episode.
Unfortunately, real life doesn’t work this way and issues between “characters” in my own life aren’t so easily solved.
This may surprise some of you reading this but I’m not a great communicator. I’ve built a whole career over effective communication. Hell, this newsletter is about “finding the right words” to express yourself. But the truth is, while I can communicate really clearly on paper and professionally, in my day to day conversations, I struggle to honestly express my feelings and needs, especially to my loved ones.
And I’m realizing more and more how much of a problem that’s caused in my relationships.
Honest communication is an act of love. - Jolie
I believe resentment is the number one reason why relationships fail and resentment stems from avoidance and withholding: avoiding difficult discussion and holding back from what you really want to say and what you really need. I don’t think love can exist where resentment persists and yet, I’ve allowed resentment to grow in my friendships and family and romantic connections so many times because I don’t communicate about my needs, my questions, my boundaries, or even my positive feelings. I keep my feelings within, just allowing emotions and scenarios to swirl in my subconscious. You might say I’m the silent sexy type except it ain’t sexy at all.
And of course, there are reasons why we have a hard time being honest with loved ones. You may not feel safe, you may not feel heard, you may not feel like your honesty is well received or respected, all of which have been true for me. But it’s also true that I just think I’m doing the “right thing” by not speaking up when someone I love might be doing something that hurts me or annoys me or confuses me or crosses a boundary. I believe(d) that when you love someone, you allow them to be themselves, you withhold judgment, you become their safe space. You go along to get along, even when I don’t like the direction we’re going.
I’m learning that when we avoid hard conversations, we’re not keeping the peace, we’re creating and prolonging tension. If you speak your mind and they don’t respond in a way that makes you feel safe and heard, then at least you’ll know maybe that relationship isn’t viable. But it’s more likely that the person you love loves you back and because of the closeness of your relationship, they can probably tell when something is up with you and when you’re not keeping it real. And that erodes trust. Your loved ones can’t trust you to be honest and be clear and they won’t feel safe communicating with you. And even if things do appear peaceful and the people you love are none the wiser about your true feelings, you’re probably not at peace within yourself.
One of my favorite writers and poets Ajolique wrote in her poetry collection, Becoming Enough, “the words we don’t speak still choke us in the end.” I interpret that to mean that even if we’re keeping silent to keep the peace, we’re creating turmoil within ourselves. And I’ve learned from experience that the feelings we don’t express voluntarily find a way to get released eventually, usually in a way we can’t control and in a way we immediately regret. I’ve had emotional explosions, I’ve lashed out at people when triggered by minor things, I’ve been snarky and passive aggressive when I could’ve been clear and assertive with my needs and boundaries from jump.
Honest communication is an act of love. And it’s a habit that continuously evolves. Life is not a TV show, life is real. Things aren't wrapped up easily within 30 minutes with quick quips and a laugh track and then we move on to the next episode. Communication isn't a one time thing, hard decisions and conversation sometimes need time and repetition to reach a resolution. But when you love someone, when you value your relationships, it’s worth taking that time. It’s worth opening up.
This entry was written for WEEK 1 of the Finding the Right Words March Challenge under the theme “Love is…” Follow along using the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind when you fill in the blank. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at jdoggett9 [at] gmail.
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!
Even though I'm usually the good communicator trying to get good communication out of someone else, I see so much of myself reflected in your words that makes me want to go journal about why.
I feel all of this. My husband and I have been married for 17 years and communication was our biggest struggle. It took a lot of patience and giving the other person the reasurance that they can trust you. No one likes the hard conversations but sooner than later you have to have them, especially when you need clarity and want the relationship to last.💙