A friend of mine recently got some really good news: they got hired for a new job that they'd been waiting for and working toward for a long time. I was sooo happy, but… I was also something else.
You ever had a moment where a friend tells you something good that happens for them and you're kinda not happy for them? I know it’s not just me. I mean you're happy! You wish them well, you're glad good things are happening in their life and you want more good things to follow. But there's also this feeling in your gut. A gnawing feeling that you hate that makes you think maybe I'm not happy for them. Maybe I wish those things were happening for me. Maybe I'm... jealous.
I used to think being jealous was the worst thing someone could be, especially as a friend. I grew up in a time where being a “hater” was a capital offense. It meant you were weak, stupid, lazy, and of course full of hate and no one wants to be thought of or known as a hating ass nigga. Least of all me! I love my friends, feeling negatively about them feels foreign and wrong and even sinful to me (maybe it was all of those Sunday school lessons about not coveting your neighbor's house).
But I'm learning that jealousy is a natural emotion. It's also a useful feeling that doesn't need to be rejected, but understood. Desiring something someone else has doesn't always mean you wish them to lose it, or that you wish them ill.
Despite the stigma, jealousy is an emotion everyone has experienced at some point in their life. Dare I say that jealousy (like most emotions) is completely normal and healthy. It helps us get clear on our own desires. It alerts us to when something is happening that may be unfair or harmful.
And sometimes the internal emotions we chalk up as jealousy are actually much more complex. Getting to the root can help you better understand how you really feel and what you need to do in order to feel better and come back to yourself and your relationships.
The next time I’m feeling jealous, I want to check in with myself and think of things I may actually be feeling. Is it jealousy or…
Is it FOMO?
Are you worried that your friends are doing and experiencing things you can't do and you're going to be left out? No one likes feeling isolated from their people. Sometimes we confuse feelings of jealousy with simply wanting to be included. Get out of your head and get out of the house and go have fun with your friends.
Is it Anxiety?
Are you a green-eyed monster or are you feeling anxious about your own life prospects? Anxiety is basically fear in overdrive. It’s a crippling feeling that everything in your life is going wrong, that you have something to worry about, that the other shoe is going to drop any minute. When dope things happen to others that aren’t happening to you, it confirms the voice that’s already in your head that tells you that good things don’t happen to you. Don’t believe that voice.
Is it Depression?
Similar to anxiety, depression makes it hard to be happy for others because you’re already being so down on yourself. The solution: Don’t be even harder on yourself because you’re not feeling the way you want to feel. Be kind to yourself. Be patient with yourself. Go therapy. Rebuild your own confidence so you can start to feel good about your life and others’ lives again.
Is it Discouragement?
Sometimes hearing something good that happened to someone else can make you feel like good things will never happen to you. You don't work the same way they do, you don't look the same way they do, you don’t live the same way they live. You don’t have the money they have. Comparison is the thief of joy as they like to say on the Internets. Don’t get discouraged, don’t feel inferior. Use what you have to do what you can from where you are.
Is it the manifestation of privilege and inequality?
Are you really jealous or are you just noticing that life is unfair? The truth is some people will have access to people, places, and things that you do not and that’s not a reason to be mad at them, it’s how the system works. Make sure your internal rage is directed at the right places. Also, don’t compare yourself. Use what you’ve got to get where you can.
Is it a break of trust?
Are you feeling jealous about how much time your SO is spending with someone who isn't you? Do you feel like a friend is abandoning you to spend time with someone else? Is your parent treating a sibling differently than how they treat you? I think this is less about jealousy and more about how your expectations of intimacy aren’t being met and these feelings shouldn’t be written off as mere envy. Maybe it’s time for a hard conversation about how someone’s actions are making you feel and what you need in order to reestablish trust.
Is it just Jealousy?
Hey, maybe you really are out here just coveting your neighbor's house. Maybe you want what they got (whoever "they" is and whatever "it" is). Again, this is a normal feeling. Even as babies, we don't know if we want a toy until we see someone else play with it. Use it to inform your own goals. If I want something, what do I need to do to get it? What can I learn from the person I'm envious of about how they made it happen?
…
It's okay to feel jealous sometimes, you don't have to beat yourself up or allow anyone else to make you feel like you're just a hater and that's all you'll ever be. No matter what the root reason for your jealousy is, I think we can all agree it's not a good feeling to be on either side of. I guess just don't stay stuck in any feeling that doesn't make you (or those around you) feel good.
This entry was written under the prompt WRONG, Day 10 of the Finding the Right Words 30-Day Journaling Challenge. Follow along using the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompt. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at joliedoggett [at] substack.com.
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!