If I were on America's Next Top Model, I would not have survived. I would've died of dehydration from all the tears I would've shed. Or I might’ve lit that judging room on fire. I would not have been able to stand there week after week being scrutinized for my body, my face, my voice, my personality. Being broken down and “fixed” night after night, being criticized at every turn for everything I do.
I do not take criticism well. Hard to admit, but it's true. I'm already so hard on myself. So anytime anyone has anything negative to say about me, even if it’s the first time they’re bringing attention to a particular flaw of mine, even if they’re saying it in the kindest, most patient way possible, I do not always respond well. In my head, I’ve already been mean to myself. So whenever anyone else has anything to say to me, it feels like I’m being ganged up on. And I lash out as a means of self-defense.
Originally, this was gonna be something of an apology letter to any and everyone I may have hurt when I’m offended, everyone I may have snapped at when I’m criticized or given unsolicited advice. And I do sincerely apologize for projecting my own insecurities on others. I hope I’ve apologized in person or shortly after the time my offense occurred. If not, I am sorry.
But this is an apology to myself. I’m sorry for being my biggest bully. I’m sorry for beating myself up after every real or perceived mistake. I’m sorry for holding this belief that I must appear and behave perfectly. And I’m sorry for acting out of character and becoming a true disappointment to myself.
I’m learning to heal so I can hear, speak, and exist without the filter of my wounds.
This entry was written under the prompt SORRY, Day 27 of the Finding the Right Words 30-Day Journaling Challenge. Follow along using the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompt. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at joliedoggett [at] substack.com.
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!