Stories I'm Tired of Telling Myself

Enough is enough. | Finding The Right Words about… The Wait.

truth is I’m tired…

PROMPT: What are you waiting for?

You ever just wake up tired?

For the last two weeks or so, I’ve been experiencing a prolonged anxiety attack. My anxiety differs from my depression. Both are debilitating but whereas depression will cause me to feel utterly hopeless and devoid of any thoughts of the future, anxiety will take over my mind with nothing but thoughts of the future. And the future according to my anxiety is pretty bleak and scary.

My heart races and my head aches as my days and nights are filled with thoughts of the many ways I could fail, could hurt myself or others, could be hurt or disregarded by someone I love, could do something wrong, could let people down. Just a constant rerun of the worst case scenarios my creative little mind can come up with.

It’s exhausting. And quite frankly, I’m tired of it.

I’m tired of feeling this way. I’m tired of being my own worst enemy, I’m tired of being afraid of everything then mad at myself for being afraid. I’m tired of hearing the same old story over and over again about all the ways everything in my life can go wrong.

So when I woke up a few days ago, jaw aching from grinding my teeth in my sleep and immediately being flooded with thoughts of all the ways my day could go to shit, I wanted to fight back. I found myself thinking, “Why am I doing this to myself?” and I decided I’m going to stop telling myself the same old stories about all the ways life could suck.

Stories I’m Trying To Stop Telling Myself:

“I’m not good enough.”

This is the most consistent story my brain likes to tell me. I’m not a good enough friend, a good enough writer, a good enough partner, a good enough dancer, a good enough person in general. There is a level of “good” I need to be in order to be valuable and I’m not there yet and I probably never will be. Sometimes I like to switch it up with I’m not beautiful enough, I’m not smart enough, I’m not nice enough, I’m not bold enough, I am not enough. The end of the story is always the same: “why even bother?”

“I make bad decisions and things don’t typically work out for me.”

This story stars my self-doubt and self-blame in leading roles. I get paralyzed by “what ifs” when I’m trying to make a decision, any decision! From what I should eat in the morning to when is the right time to take a shower. And imagine how much I sweat trying to make a big decision like, should I apply to that job? or should I have sex with this person? I don’t trust myself. And because I don’t trust myself, I then blame and berate myself if things don’t go the way I plan. But in my anxiety, failure is always the plan.

“My emotions and needs are a burden to my friends and family.”

Another popular story my brain likes to pick out for bedtime. When I’m overwhelmed with thoughts of distress and despair, my beautiful brain loves to remind me that “no one cares.” “Don’t bother anyone else with your problems. “You should be able to handle this on your own.” Or worse: “you don’t deserve the help and care you need. You aren’t a good enough friend/lover/daughter/sister/employee to ask anything of anybody. No one wants to listen to you. If you’re not getting what you need, that’s because don’t deserve it.

“Saying ‘No’ is selfish.”

This is a little story I’ve inherited from my mother. The idea that the best way I can show people love is by overextending myself and sacrificing my own needs to make sure someone else’s needs are met. And I need to show that I’m good and I care so I can earn their love and respect. No one has to be there for me. But I MUST be there for everyone else. Having boundaries, telling people “no,” not striving to meet someone’s expectations and do all I can to please them… no wonder no one loves you. You haven’t earned it.

“I’m worthless.”

I don’t have a job at a big company or publication. Who am I if I’m not working somewhere impressive? I’m not the best dancer at my studio so clearly I have no talent. I don’t have a boyfriend or girlfriend so that must mean I’m very unlikeable. Life isn’t turning out the way I planned so I must be a failure and everyone I’ve ever known is disappointed me. My only value is in what I’m able to produce, create, and do and I can’t do anything right. 

…Like I said, I’m tired (*someone play “Take Me to the King” by Tamela Mann lol)

My mind loves a good story. So if I’m going to work on leaving these childhood tales behind, then, like the avid reader and book hoarder I am, I gotta replace these finished stories with something new:

Stories I’m Trying to Start Telling Myself:

I am loved. 

I am creative.

I don’t put anyone on a pedestal above me.

I can forgive myself. 

I’m a good friend.

I deserve good things and good things will happen for me.

I am worthy of love and support.

My value does not lie in my productivity.

I may get overwhelmed but I always overcome.

I am enough.

These stories are still being written and it will take a while for them to fully take shape in my mind. But I’d rather be exhausted from putting in the effort

I know overcoming anxiety and depression isn’t as easy as “Oh, just think happier thoughts!” It takes work, healing, confronting your trauma. Sometimes it takes medication, therapy, or a change in routine. It takes practice to feel better and even then, sometimes life knocks you right back into a spiral. But I know eventually I’ll emerge and I’ll fight another day. 

I’m waiting for that day. I’m always waiting for the day my fight comes back. I’m waiting for the day my new stories become my main stories. I’m waiting for the day the fairy tales I spin in my head will feel more true.

This entry was written for week 3 of the Finding The Right Words October Journaling Challenge under the theme of Waiting. Follow along using the prompts above. Write your own journal entry and share it with me!

There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!

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