PROMPT: How will you know when you are growing?
What do you want to be when you grow up?
When you’re a kid, you get asked this question a lot. But when you become an adult, the curiosity stops. However, we don’t actually stop growing up just because we reach a certain age. We may no longer be imagine becoming a firefighter or astronaut anymore (but kudos if you still have these dreams!). Instead, growing up now looks like learning new things and unlearning old habits. It’s changing your mind and your location and your relationships. It’s evolving and adapting to what you need to survive and thrive.
I spend a lot (maybe too much?) time thinking about who I want to be and I’d like to give myself some credit for how much progress I’ve made in my 32 years of life. Unfortunately, there’s no chart I can use to measure my growth and evolution, I have to define growth for myself. So what does growing up look like at my big age and how will I know when I’m finally grown? I thought about it and decided to make a list!
I’ll know I’m growing when okay with being misunderstood and disliked. 🌱
My greatest fear (besides birds) is being the villain in someone else's story. The thought that someone may not like me has kept me stuck in toxic relationships and living situations and work conditions because I want to go along to get along. However, I’ll know I’m maturing when I can learn that someone not liking me anymore (or at all) is not the end of the world. And I’ll know I’m growing when I stop seeking the approval of people who willingly mischaracterize me. I have to approve of myself and that has to be enough.
I’ll know I’m growing when I can more easily show myself grace.🌱
I was really worried about this month's journaling series. I didn't want to spend another 30 days dragging myself through the pages of my journal/on the internet. I have a tendency to be really hard on myself if I feel like I’m failing at something or falling short (all gifted children turned over achieving adults, raise your hand!). I want to learn to be kinder to myself, to be more forgiving of my mistakes and more proud of the things I do well on a regular basis.
I’ll know I’m growing when I stop striving for perfection.🌱
A good friend of mine once told me during a time when I was struggling with my confidence at work that I don’t have imposter syndrome like I thought I did, I was dealing with perfectionism. That conversation with the homie changed my life. Sometimes I procrastinate doing and creating things because I know I can’t make it perfect, and if that’s the case, why bother trying at all? But perfection is impossible and there’s so many reasons to do so many things. When I’m truly grown, I don’t want to let my fear of making mistakes hold me back.
I’ll know I’m growing when I stop rushing the process.🌱
Speaking of perfection, when I do try something and I’m not good at it right away (or I was good at it once but I’m not good at it anymore), I get really, really frustrated and discouraged. And my negative self-talk takes over and I put a lot of pressure on myself to get it right. But I’ll know I’m growing when I can be okay with making mistakes and I can enjoy the journey of learning and I can be super proud when I accomplish a goal instead of rushing to the next thing.
I’ll know I’m growing when I can communicate without fear and hesitation.🌱
I’m one of those people who practices arguments and conversations in the shower before actually talking to people and even then, all the points I want to make go flying out of my head when I actually have the conversation IRL. I’ll know I’m growing when I can stop waiting for the right moment or the right time to say things, when I can stop bottling my feelings up until they explode out of me in a way that loses the point, and when I can be a more active listener without being defensive.
I'll know I'm growing when I trust myself and my decisions.🌱
Part of being a people pleaser is needing validation for actions or needing permission before you make a choice. I’m someone who’s been told what to do her entire life. By my parents, by teachers, by bosses, friends and boyfriends. Not always in a controlling way but I just take direction really well, even when someone isn’t actually giving me a direct order, I try to anticipate their needs and expectations of me. I can count on less than 10 fingers how many choices I’ve made in my life that were strictly because I wanted to, not because someone else wanted it for me. And you know what, all of those choices have filled my life with happiness and adventure. So why not spend the rest of my life trusting that I know what’s best for me more than anyone and believing my ability to take care of myself and make good choices
I'll know I'm growing when I consistently follow through on my word.🌱
A commitment to anything first requires a commitment to the self (I saw that on the internet, haha!). But there is a future version of me who doesn’t let her mood or her mental state drain her of all of her energy, who still gets out of bed and does what she says she’s gonna do. Not just for her job or her friends, but mostly for herself. I want to be someone who doesn’t isolate or shut down when life gets hard. I want to always give myself the most effort.
I’ll know I’m growing when I stop fucking panicking.🌱
I tend to plan for the worst and expect even worse than. This is of course par for the course of having an anxiety disorder, however, I’d like to see a version of me one day that’s more hopeful and optimistic. I never want to be disappointed or feel rejection or regret. But living with the glass half full yet always in danger of imploding is no way to live. I want to use my imagination for good in my adult life.
My therapist recently told me that the purpose of therapy is to change, to evolve into a new way of being and she asked me to think about what I wanted my life to look like once my sessions were over. I admit, I had some resistance to that. I’ve been told how to be and how to think and how to behave my whole life. Thinking about how I needed to change seemed like the opposite of what I should be working on. Shouldn’t I instead be focusing on loving and accepting myself as I am? Besides, who's to say I wasn't already growing? Can't I get some credit for how far I've already come?
But after doing this exercise, I don’t think it’s really about changing yourself, it’s about being yourself in your happiest, healthiest state. Maybe growing is less about zeroing in on how you want to be different, and more about focusing on how you wanna feel. If you truly do always want to feel good about yourself, you have to move on from habits that make you feel bad. And this time, I’m not changing for anyone else, I’m changing into myself.
I guess there’s still lots of room for growth. But that’s actually something I’m really looking forward to.
This entry was written for WEEK 2 of the Finding the Right Words December Challenge under the theme of GROWTH & GRATITUDE🌺. Follow along using the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompts. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at jdoggett9 [at] gmail.
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!
What an adorable photo!