You’re Doing Better Than You Think You Are (I Promise)

All along, you’ve been blooming. 🌱

you’re doing great, sweetie!

Yesterday, I was laying in bed, two ears full of angry tears.

I fucked up my arm last week; I have an entrapped ulnar nerve in my right elbow which makes my arm incredibly painful to move and keeps my arm stuck in one awkward position. For the past few days, I haven’t been able to drive, I haven’t been able to dance 😭, I’ve barely been able to eat or properly brush my teeth because my arm is trapped in a weird position that prevents me from being able to touch my own face.

I went to the doctor and got some medicines that will eventually bring my mobility back. But they’re not working fast enough for my impatient ass. And it’s been frustrating just trying to go about my life and do normal things like scratch an itch or do my hair and makeup or sleep comfortably. Plus, I was mad at myself for hurting my arm in the first place. Didn’t I know better? Wasn’t I smart enough to keep my body healthy? Why didn’t I take better care of myself? Now I’m going to be even further behind than I already was because I have to lay here immobilized.

Hello, October! Let's Talk About Patience

I lay there, crying and frustrated, and I absentmindedly reached up and wiped tears away from my face with my right hand. Holy shit. I could move my arm again! I was getting better and I didn’t even notice it because I was too busy being sad and frustrated and angry at the world because I wasn’t getting better when I wanted to get better.

Even before I injured my arm, I had this problem of spending so much time focusing on what’s going wrong, that I can't see or appreciate what’s going right. The last few weeks have actually had me in this familiar spiral. Things have not been going to plan since the start of the winter season (since the election, honestly) and I’ve been spending the majority of this time just lamenting how nothing is going the way I thought it would.

But just because things aren’t going as expected doesn’t mean things aren’t going, ya know?

Looking Ahead…

I am always getting better. I’m always making progress even when I can’t see it. And I want to get better at paying attention to the ways I’m improving instead of harping on my disappointments.

Every year, I choose a word that will serve as my theme for the year, encompassing something I want to call in, improve, or focus on. Words of the past have been: “Effort,” “Love,” “Keep Moving Forward.” My word of 2024 was FAITH as I wanted to believe in myself and in my God more strongly.

What Does “Faith” Even Mean?

For 2025, I think I want my word to be GROW. I want to keep trying even though it’s hard.

GROW makes me think about plants (my favorite thing to collect next to journals, I have over 50 house plants! 🌱) The thing about plants is they’re always growing. But we don’t actually see it while it’s happening. It’s only when we take a step back do we notice it’s a little taller or longer than it was when we last paid attention, or there’s a little leaf popping up.

And plants need very specific things to grow: water, sunlight, soil, and attention. I can’t abuse my plant and still expect it to grow. Plants need care as do I. So if I expect growth in this new season, I gotta treat myself with some loving kindness and be the sunshine in my own life.

Growing means consistently reaching toward what I want to do and be. Growing means being disciplined and taking care of myself, doing what I need to do to stay nourished and on track. Growing also being patient, and not giving up on myself just because I’m not where I thought I would be. In 2025, I’ll be trying a lot of things that are new to me. I don’t want to give up or break down just because something is hard or not working right away or not happening fast enough for me.

I want to be able to take a step back and see that even though I might not have noticed it, I’ve been growing. And every little bit of growth brings me closer to where I want to be.

Thank you for being here! Before you go:

Follow me on Instagram @jolie_bean and @FindingtheRightWords.

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