Whatever the F*ck I Want
What would you do if you didn’t care about hurting feelings? | What If…?💭 Week 2
My dad irritated me this week.
He called the other day to tell me about his latest doctor’s appointment. My dad has been working really hard over the last year to get healthy and lose weight and control his blood sugar and cholesterol. According to his physician, he’s doing great! Levels are nice and he’s even lost some pounds. I immediately expressed how proud I was of him.
I’ve been on a health journey of my own and my pops and I are accountability buddies 😊. He asked for my updates and I was actually super excited to tell him that I’d lost another three lbs and I’d gotten my walking mile time down from 30 minutes to 19.!🎉
His immediate response: “You know walking makes you fat.”
It’s something about increasing bodily stress which releases cortisol and cortisol making you gain weight and how I need to be doing yoga and lifting weights (which I also do, not that he asked). And as a true journalist, of course I researched his claims and he might have a teeny tiny point. But damnit, I like walking! It’s good for my mental health and I am seeing weight results and most of all, I just wanted him to congratulate me and be proud and he was just like, “yeah that’s no good. You should be doing something else.”
I just felt so deflated and discouraged. It was basic parental and family style shit, telling the “kid” what they should and shouldn’t be doing, eating, wearing. I’m sure folks deal with this kind of thing often when they go home to visit family. It’s honestly really stupid and shouldn’t have upset me so much. I mean, it’s not like I’m gonna stop going for walks and working out.
But I admit… I thought about it.
*Sigh* I’m learning to stop taking everything so damn personally. My dad randomly interjecting opinions into my life has been a habit of his since I was a child. And since I was child, I’ve taken his opinions as an edict over my behavior. He was right, I was wrong. But just because he has an opinion does NOT mean I have to live up to it. I’M GROWN!
And if I’m being fair, it’s not just my dad and I’m not even mad at that guy. Whether right or wrong, whether I agree or disagree, whether or not they’re even talking to me, I take EVERYONE’s opinions as instruction. Someone casually mentions they don’t like leopard print (in their own wardrobe)? It’s eliminated from my closet. A coworker suggests I try a different note taking method? Noted and done whether it’s relevant to my work or not. My momma tell me she wants me to come home and watch Golden Girls with her? I’m canceling plans, leaving work, and I’m already in the car driving the 300 miles to her house. It’s crazy! I really have to put into practice what I would do if I didn’t care about what my dad or honestly anyone thinks or making people happy or meeting their expectations or not hurting their feelings? What would I do if I didn’t care?
The answer is: Whatever the fuck I want!
I think I imagine other people will react to rejection and disobedience and disagreement the same ways I do, which is extremely emotional and personally. I even resent people for not taking the same care with my feelings or my time that I would do for others. I considered it selfish but it’s high time I redefine this word in my vocabulary. Why do I expect people to violate their boundaries to please me just because that’s some nonsense I would do?
*Sigh* What if I live a little “selfishly” from here on out? I’ll definitely be walking a lot more, haha! 🚶🏾♂️🚶🏾♂️🚶🏾♂️
This entry was written for WEEK 2 of the Finding the Right Words January Challenge under the theme of What if…?💭. Follow along using the graphic above and write about whatever comes to mind with the corresponding prompts. Share with me using the tag #FTRW or email me at jdoggett9 [at] gmail.
There’s no wrong way to journal. You just gotta find the right words. Happy Writing!
Whew. I feeeel this. It took me so long to give myself permission to take other folks’ opinions as just that, opinions. Not fact, and definitely not law! I’m glad that moment helped you to this epiphany and dedication to change it! Excited for how this transforms you. And I also added “edict” to my word journal, had never seen it until now!